I started Waking Up one March weekend in 2010. During the previous fall I had told my family that I was no longer affiliated with Christianity, and my struggle with religion had been weighing heavier than normal. In fact, I went to the doctor and asked to be put on a new anti-depressant. A close friend had told me about her experiences with a particular one and I wanted to try it. My doctor agreed, and I started the weaning off the old and on the new process.
I wrote the first ten thousand words of Waking Up in that first weekend that I was on the new medication. Those words were later cut from the final version of the story as they were background story and unnecessary as the scene was explained elsewhere in the novel. But they were necessary to the entire plot: the scene, ten years before the events in Waking Up happened, when Deidre learned the true colors of her step-father.
It was difficult to write. No scene that is as tragic as what Deidre went through is ever easy. All I could think of while I was writing was that I was disrespecting my parents by writing about something so terrible. But the story has nothing to do with my biological parents.
It's about my relationship with the Christian God.
In Waking Up, the main character Deidre was, ten years prior to the events in the novel, raped by her step-father. He stabbed her as well in an attempt to kill her, mutilating her uterus to the point that it had to be removed. Someone she trusted, should have been able to trust, took what made her a woman away from her.
And that's exactly what I was trying to say: that, while I was Christian, what being a woman meant to me was a stunted version of life. I was always seeking acceptance or permission from other people, particularly men. I saw a lifetime of this ahead of me and something precious inside of me died. That very part of me that made me a woman became a loathed part of my life that I dreaded upon every waking. Oh, I wouldn't have been able to put it in so many words then, but looking back I can see that my hatred of women, my fear of children, my disinterest in just about anything that vaguely resembled a feminine trait was truly a hatred of self.
And the worst part is, I had learned to suffer in silence to the point that for a long time, I literally could not voice my true inner, feminine thoughts.
So the very thing that Deidre's step-father took away from her was her uterus - her ability to have children; what made her a woman.
Deidre is, in many ways, much stronger than me. She lived in crowded New York for years despite a phobia that left her unable to be alone in a room with a man. (How did she avoid that in a place that crowded?? Trust me, when you have a phobia, you find ways to get around it. Deidre would have taken the stairs if the only elevator available was occupied by a man. She would have met up with female friends so that she was never alone, etc. If you still don't believe me, then I am glad that you have never had such a phobia!) All of her life circulated around this phobia, but she managed to live on despite it.
In the beginning of the story, Deidre's step-father is released from prison on parole, having been incarcerated for the past decade for attempting to murder Deidre. Deidre is frightened of a repeat, and is happy to get back to New York, far away from a man she firmly believes deserves to still be in jail.
Then her grandmother dies and in her will, Deidre is left a plantation home that's been left to go to rot. Deidre sees the home and immediately falls in love with it. Sure, it's a huge project, but it's one she commits herself to.
In dreams, a house often resembles our psyche. The first floor is the conscious, the basement the subconscious. Anytime you're running upstairs in a dream you're going higher into your conscious thoughts, bordering on the physical. Likewise, anytime you go downstairs, you are heading down into your subconscious mind. Check out www.dreemmoods.com for more information on this.
So for Deidre to take on this project of fixing up a home is a metaphor for her renovating her psychological health. She has setbacks and comes to accept the masculine side of her psyche (represented in the story by Will Pendergrass). She almost gives up, but something draws her back to the ramshackle house in bayou country.
Deidre has woken up to what was wrong in her life, and is actively working to fix it.
Just as I was, and still am.
She also encounters difficulty with her half-sister Phoebe and with a female ghost named Elizabeth Duplessis who resides in the home. These two women represent her past and her future. When Phoebe is introduced, she hates Deidre with a passion. She wants nothing more than for Deidre to go away and never come back. She does everything in her power to stop Deidre from being happy until the moment she comes across a letter written by her grandmother to Deidre confessing that Henry had killed before (Deidre and Phoebe's mother). From that moment on, Phoebe is solidly on Deidre's side.
Likewise, the ghost of Elizabeth Duplessis is stirred up by the renovations going on in the house. She wants nothing to do with Deidre's changes. Why can't everything just stay the same: familiar and comfortable? Elizabeth does everything in her power to stop Deidre from succeeding in making the house beautiful once again. But in the end, she accepts that Deidre isn't going to stop, and that this is a good thing.
The issue underlying is accepting oneself. Just as Deidre and Phoebe had to accept one another for who they were, and move on from their struggles in the past, I have to accept my past for what it is. Just as Elizabeth had to accept the changes going on in her world, making things unfamiliar and uncomfortable, I have to accept the changes going on in mine, even the ones I don't like. Especially the ones I don't like because those are usually the ones I learn from the most!
In the end of the story, Deidre takes a pregnant Phoebe to confront Phoebe's father - Deidre's step-father - where he is incarcerated. He insists to talk to Deidre first, and, despite her fear, Deidre confronts him. She stands up to him, and is finally able to move on.
For me, that point of standing up began when I told my parents that I was no longer a Christian. This confrontation has continued as I have not shied from the path I am on, and have stood up against the pressures of family and friends to conform. It's not easy, just as fixing up the house wasn't easy for Deidre or the people she enlisted to help. But it is worth it!
That is also what this blog is mostly about: standing up and saying what I believe in. Standing up and saying, no, I will not ask for permission. No, I do not need your acceptance. This is what I believe in. This is who I am: a woman constantly waking up to the inner voice that says, Yes! I am JUST AS GOOD as any man! I will NOT be silent! I will NOT be cowed by fear!
Maybe I'm a lot more like Deidre than I thought. We both have woke up to new ways of life, and both have struggled with it.
Both determined to make the best of this thing we call living.
It's about my relationship with the Christian God.
In Waking Up, the main character Deidre was, ten years prior to the events in the novel, raped by her step-father. He stabbed her as well in an attempt to kill her, mutilating her uterus to the point that it had to be removed. Someone she trusted, should have been able to trust, took what made her a woman away from her.
And that's exactly what I was trying to say: that, while I was Christian, what being a woman meant to me was a stunted version of life. I was always seeking acceptance or permission from other people, particularly men. I saw a lifetime of this ahead of me and something precious inside of me died. That very part of me that made me a woman became a loathed part of my life that I dreaded upon every waking. Oh, I wouldn't have been able to put it in so many words then, but looking back I can see that my hatred of women, my fear of children, my disinterest in just about anything that vaguely resembled a feminine trait was truly a hatred of self.
And the worst part is, I had learned to suffer in silence to the point that for a long time, I literally could not voice my true inner, feminine thoughts.
So the very thing that Deidre's step-father took away from her was her uterus - her ability to have children; what made her a woman.
Deidre is, in many ways, much stronger than me. She lived in crowded New York for years despite a phobia that left her unable to be alone in a room with a man. (How did she avoid that in a place that crowded?? Trust me, when you have a phobia, you find ways to get around it. Deidre would have taken the stairs if the only elevator available was occupied by a man. She would have met up with female friends so that she was never alone, etc. If you still don't believe me, then I am glad that you have never had such a phobia!) All of her life circulated around this phobia, but she managed to live on despite it.
In the beginning of the story, Deidre's step-father is released from prison on parole, having been incarcerated for the past decade for attempting to murder Deidre. Deidre is frightened of a repeat, and is happy to get back to New York, far away from a man she firmly believes deserves to still be in jail.
Then her grandmother dies and in her will, Deidre is left a plantation home that's been left to go to rot. Deidre sees the home and immediately falls in love with it. Sure, it's a huge project, but it's one she commits herself to.
In dreams, a house often resembles our psyche. The first floor is the conscious, the basement the subconscious. Anytime you're running upstairs in a dream you're going higher into your conscious thoughts, bordering on the physical. Likewise, anytime you go downstairs, you are heading down into your subconscious mind. Check out www.dreemmoods.com for more information on this.
So for Deidre to take on this project of fixing up a home is a metaphor for her renovating her psychological health. She has setbacks and comes to accept the masculine side of her psyche (represented in the story by Will Pendergrass). She almost gives up, but something draws her back to the ramshackle house in bayou country.
Deidre has woken up to what was wrong in her life, and is actively working to fix it.
Just as I was, and still am.
She also encounters difficulty with her half-sister Phoebe and with a female ghost named Elizabeth Duplessis who resides in the home. These two women represent her past and her future. When Phoebe is introduced, she hates Deidre with a passion. She wants nothing more than for Deidre to go away and never come back. She does everything in her power to stop Deidre from being happy until the moment she comes across a letter written by her grandmother to Deidre confessing that Henry had killed before (Deidre and Phoebe's mother). From that moment on, Phoebe is solidly on Deidre's side.
Likewise, the ghost of Elizabeth Duplessis is stirred up by the renovations going on in the house. She wants nothing to do with Deidre's changes. Why can't everything just stay the same: familiar and comfortable? Elizabeth does everything in her power to stop Deidre from succeeding in making the house beautiful once again. But in the end, she accepts that Deidre isn't going to stop, and that this is a good thing.
The issue underlying is accepting oneself. Just as Deidre and Phoebe had to accept one another for who they were, and move on from their struggles in the past, I have to accept my past for what it is. Just as Elizabeth had to accept the changes going on in her world, making things unfamiliar and uncomfortable, I have to accept the changes going on in mine, even the ones I don't like. Especially the ones I don't like because those are usually the ones I learn from the most!
In the end of the story, Deidre takes a pregnant Phoebe to confront Phoebe's father - Deidre's step-father - where he is incarcerated. He insists to talk to Deidre first, and, despite her fear, Deidre confronts him. She stands up to him, and is finally able to move on.
For me, that point of standing up began when I told my parents that I was no longer a Christian. This confrontation has continued as I have not shied from the path I am on, and have stood up against the pressures of family and friends to conform. It's not easy, just as fixing up the house wasn't easy for Deidre or the people she enlisted to help. But it is worth it!
That is also what this blog is mostly about: standing up and saying what I believe in. Standing up and saying, no, I will not ask for permission. No, I do not need your acceptance. This is what I believe in. This is who I am: a woman constantly waking up to the inner voice that says, Yes! I am JUST AS GOOD as any man! I will NOT be silent! I will NOT be cowed by fear!
Maybe I'm a lot more like Deidre than I thought. We both have woke up to new ways of life, and both have struggled with it.
Both determined to make the best of this thing we call living.
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